Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
