I faked an abortion last night.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Randomize
