Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
