If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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