Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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