things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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