I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
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