I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
