I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
