2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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