I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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