I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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