Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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