My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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