can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
