Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize