Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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