If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I have aggressive nipples.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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