My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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