guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize