Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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