Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
