She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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