If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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