I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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