the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
