Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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