you would pick up someone in the library
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
