Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
