New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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