i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Randomize
