I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
