I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
