You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
