Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
