I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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