Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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