He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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