He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
