yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
