you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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