my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize