Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
