why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
