my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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