and you said cock pushups were impossible
smell my finger.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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