just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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