good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
