I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
