just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
