Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
from now on my penis is your penis
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize