I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
