Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
