It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize