Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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