3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I wannas sexs uuuuu
dude i'm inner monologue high
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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