Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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