This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
